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A Head in the Polls/Transcript
Credits. Caption: From The Makers Of Futurama. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. Fry and Bender sit on the couch with their feet up on the table. There are crumbs, Chinese take-away boxes and a burger on the table. A creepy Twilight Zone-esque show starts on the TV. The opening titles are a star field background with various objects flying past the camera.]'' Narrator: on TV You're entering the vicinity of an area adjacent to a location. stopwatch and telephone fly past. The kind of place where there might be a monster or some kind of weird mirror. old boot, a man shampooing his hair and a half-eaten drumstick fly past. These are just examples. It could also be something much better. door rotates towards the camera in the centre of the picture. Prepare to enter The Scary Door. door opens onto the titles, which shatter like glass. The show begins and the first scene is a pan over a post-apocalyptic wasteland. The camera glides past smoking rubble. As per your request, please find enclosed the last man on earth. :camera stops moving. The man climbs some stairs into a public library. The scene moves inside where the man walks between the bookshelves. Man: TV Finally, solitude. I can read books for all eternity. glasses break. It's not fair! It's not fair! Wait, my eyes aren't that bad. I can still read the large print books. eyes fall out and he screams. It's not f-- Well, lucky I know how to read Braille! hands fall off and he screams. Then his tongue falls out and finally his head comes off. Hey, look at that weird mirror! :shudders. Bender: Cursed by his own hubris! :Leela. Leela: There's a political debate on! Quick, change the channel! Bender: Hey, that's what Fry said when we turned on the debate! :changes the channel herself. Two men who look remarkably alike stand at podiums. There are just two people in the audience. Announcer: on TV C-SPAN9 presents: The Thrill Of Politics. :and Bender snore. Leela sighs and slides Fry across the couch and sits between them. They wake up. Leela: Look, I know there are no car chases but this is important. One of these two men will become president of the world. Fry: What do we care? We live in the United States. Leela: The United States is part of the world. Fry: Wow! I have been gone a long time. :of the candidates, Jack Johnson, begins the debate. Johnson: TV It's time someone had the courage to stand up and say: "I'm against those things that everybody hates". :other candidate is John Jackson. Jackson: TV Now I respect my opponent. I think he's a good man but, quite frankly, I agree with everything he just said! Fry: These are the candidates? They sound like clones. looks a little harder. Wait a minute. They are clones! Leela: Don't let their identical DNA fool you. They differ on some key issues. Johnson: TV I say your three cent titanium tax goes too far. Jackson: TV And I say your three cent titanium tax doesn't go too far enough! Fry: If I were registered to vote, I'd send these clowns a message by staying home on election day and dressing up like a clown. Leela: You're not registered? Fry: Nope. Not vaccinated either! Besides, it's not like one vote ever made a difference. Leela: That's not true; the first robot president won by exactly one vote. Bender: Ah, yes, John Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a cord with the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree. Farnsworth: But, like most politicians, he promised more than he could deliver. Leela: The point is, one vote can make a difference and even though it won't, I'm still taking you to get registered. Farnsworth: Yes, that's a capital idea. Let's all go register! Fry: Professor, when did you become so obsessed with voting? Farnsworth: The very instant I became old. :['''Scene': Citihall. Two banners have been hung outside, one saying "Voter Registration" and the other saying "First 100 Customers Get Extra Vote". The Planet Express staff stand in the middle of a room. On one side is Jack Johnson's party, the Tastycrats, and on the other is John Jackson's, the Fingerlicans.]'' Farnsworth: The problem with both parties is that they always want to give your tax dollars to the less fortunate. Fry: The less fortunate get all the breaks! Zoidberg: You know, Fry, you could join a third party, maybe. :scoffs. Amy: Only weirdos and mutants join third parties. Zoidberg: Really? I'd better keep an eye out at the next meeting. Fry: What party do you belong to, Bender? Bender: I'm not allowed to vote. Fry: 'Cause you're a robot? Bender: No, convicted felon. :Lapse. Some of the other parties are the One Cell, One Vote party which is represented by two amoebae; the Green Party, represented by five green aliens; the Brain Slug Party, represented by two people with Brain Slugs on their heads. Woman: We favour unreasonably huge subsidies to the Brain Slug Planet. Fry: OK, but what are the Brain Slugs who control you gonna do for the working man? Woman: Attach Brain Slugs to them. Fry: sarcastic Sure, you say that now! :looks at the Dudes For The Legalation Of Hemp party. Amy: So, is it true you can make all kinds of shirts and ropes out of hemp? Stoned Guy: Dave's not here, man. Amy: I also heard hemp makes great shampoo. Stoned Guy: It does? No way! I gotta check out this brochure! :picks up a burger and munches on it. Farnsworth is over at the National Ray-Gun Association booth. Farnsworth: So what are you doing to protect my constitutional right to bear doomsday devices? N.R.A. Man: Well, first off, we're gonna get rid of that three-day waiting period for mad scientists. Farnsworth: Damn straight! Today, the mad scientist can't get a doomsday device, tomorrow it's the mad grad student. Where will it end? N.R.A. Man: Amen, brother. I don't go anywhere without my mutated anthrax ... takes a vial of the stuff out of his pocket. ... for duck hunting. :talks with a Neptunian at the People For The Ethical Treatment Of Humans stand. Zoidberg: Sure, humans are cute, but how else are we supposed to test cosmetics? :has a Brain Slug attached to his head. Hermes: I concur. :and Leela check out the Voter Apathy Party. The man sits at the booth, leaning his head on his hand. Fry: Now here's a party I can get excited about. Sign me up! V.A.P. Man: Sorry, not with that attitude. Fry: downbeat OK then, screw it. V.A.P. Man: Welcome aboard, brother! Fry: excited Alright! V.A.P. Man: You're out. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. Bender, Fry and Leela are back on the couch.]'' Fry: That was pretty cool. I think I'm actually starting to get interested in politics. :turns the TV on for the election coverage, presented by Morbo and Linda. Fry and Bender fall asleep. In the studio, there is picture of the hardhat guy giving a thumbs up with a question mark above him and "Decision 3000" below him. Linda: TV And so, with two weeks left in the campaign, the question on everyone's mind is who will be the next President of Earth? Jack Johnson or bitter rival John Jackson? Two terrific candidates, huh, Morbo? Morbo: TV All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo. :laughs. Linda: TV In other local news, disaster struck on Saturn's moon of Titan today, when a titanium mine collapsed, trapping 1,000 robot workers. :wakes up. Bender: What? Lord have mercy! Linda: TV Unless something is done quickly, the trapped robots will be dead within 300 years. turns to a screen where a mine spokesman is stood outside the collapsed mine. Trapped robots wave their arms behind him. Sir, what rescue operations are planned? Mine Spokesman: TV The plan is basically to pave over the area and get on with our lives. :gasps. The picture cuts back to the studio. Morbo: TV News of the mines closing sent titanium prices skyrocketing. Bender: Alright! I'm rich! Leela: What are you talking about? Bender: My body's 40% titanium! bangs his chest cabinet. I'm finally richer than those snooty ATM machines. Fry: Too bad you can't spend it. Bender: ironic Oh, can't I? Fry: No. Bender: Watch me, poor man. :['''Scene': Outside Rook Takes Pawnshop.]'' Pawnbroker: inside Pleasure doing business with you. :laughs. The pawnbroker carries Bender's head out of the building and sets it down on the pavement. Bender is holding a wad of cash in his mouth. Bender: Game's over, losers. I have all the money! Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves! dog sniffs his head. Hey, get away. Shoo! I'll give you five dollars to not do what you're thinking about doing. dog cocks it's leg and Bender chuckles. You just lost five dollars! :Lapse. The dog has gone. Bender: Hey, buddy. Little help? man kicks Bender into the air. shouting Thank you! :['''Cut to': Planet Express: Meeting Room. Farnsworth, Leela and Fry are sat around the conference table. Fry is eating a bowl of Bachelor Chow. Bender's head flies through the window, bounces off the screen and lands in the middle of the table.]'' Bender: Hello, peasants. Leela: Bender? What happened to you? Fry: Yeah, you look different. Did you get a haircut? Bender: No, I sold my body. :spits the cash out of his mouth. Farnsworth: Sold your body? Oh, Bender, I've been down that road. I know it's glamorous and the parties are great but you'll end up spending every dollar you make on jewellery and skintight pants. Fry: This is crazy, Bender. How are you gonna live without a body? Bender: Pft! Bodies are for hookers and fat people! All I need is a wad of cash with a head wrapped around it. Fry: Well, at least now you can pay off your loan shark. Bender: Yeah, right. What's he gonna do, break my legs? :laughs. :['''Scene': Fancy Pad. Bender lives the high life. He sits on a lilo in a pool, reading Playbot with a lackey nearby.]'' Bender: Ah, this is the life. Another martini, please. :Lapse. At the bar the man pours the drinks straight into Bender's head through his antenna hole. Bender: Shaken, not stirred. man shakes his head. Aw, yeah! :['''Scene': Casino. Fry and Leela join Bender for a game of roulette.]'' Bender: Put it all on black. :slides Bender's chips down the table and knocks Bender onto the wheel. He bounces around on it before it stops. His antenna points to a number. Croupier: 21 red. moves so his antenna points to another number. I beg your pardon. 33 black. Bender: Yes! The rich get richer! :['''Scene': Bowling Alley. The machine returns Leela's ball, which looks like an eye. Fry bowls Bender's head down the lane and it knocks down all the pins.]'' Bender: Strike! In your face, Leela! laughs. Leela rolls her ball and it hits Bender. Ow! :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. Nibbler runs through a door flap being chased by Bender in a little car. Amy and Zoidberg dive out of the way of the car...]'' :['''Cut to': Planet Express: Meeting Room. ...as Bender drives it through the doorway. He hits a gibbering Farnsworth in the shins.]'' Bender: shouting Timber! :falls over. Fry: Hey, Bender, can I take a ride in your car? Bender: Maybe if you clean up first. It looks like your neck stepped in something. Oh, I'm sorry, that's just your body! :laughs. Fry: Hey! You look me in the shins and say that. Bender: I've had it up to here with this place. I'm off to the Head Museum to hang out with classy heads like me who appreciate the finer things: poetry, philosophy, hats. So long, coffin stuffers! revs the engine but the car careens out of control. Bender's head falls out and the car crashes into a plant pot. Uh, could one of you coffin stuffers please carry me? :['''Scene': Head Museum: Hall of Celebrities. Fry, Bender and Leela pass the heads of such movie stars as Charlie Chaplin, Jack Nicholson, Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman, Clint Eastwood, Leonardo DiCaprio, Sylvester Stallone and Sharon Stone; such B-movie stars as Mimi Rogers, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Elvis, Eric Stoltz and Martin Lawrence; such porn stars as Traci Lords, Ron Jeremy, Samuel Genitals, Jill Big Breasts and Long D. Silver and TV stars David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Tim Allen, Jerry Seinfeld, Lucille Ball and Katey Sagal.]'' Bender: Now, which group of heads is good enough for me to hang out with? What do you think, Fry? Fry? :is talking to Claudia Schiffer's head in the supermodels section. Schiffer: Hi, I'm Claudia Schiffer's head. Fry: I recognise you. Didn't you use to have a body of some sort? Schiffer: Yeah, but it was holding me back. You know, I just did the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimcap Issue. :purrs. Fry: Well, you're looking great. Schiffer: Thanks. I wouldn't mind losing a few pounds though. Fry: shrugging Couldn't hurt. :['''Scene': Head Museum: Hall of Presidents.]'' Bender: Ah, US presidents. sets his head down next to George Washington. Sturdy shelves, good security. bodyguard heads look at him. This place has class. Clinton: Leela Hey, sugar cookie. You know, legally, nothing I can do counts as sex anymore. Ford: I apologise for his rudeness, ma'am. He gets this way around meaty-looking women. Fry: Clinton Hey, I remember you. I was gonna vote for you one time. But voting isn't cool so I stayed home alone and got trashed on Listerine. Ford: Frankly, I've never felt voting to be all that essential to the process. Nixon: No kidding, Ford. :Lapse. Bender: So then the hookerbot says, "That's not my expansion slot" and my friend says, "That's not my gold-plated 25-pin connector!" :laughs. Washington: Oh, Bender. Thou robots really cracketh me up. Bender: You know, I like it here. What's the rent on one of these jars? George H.W. Bush: Sorry, Bender, but we just can't allow every Tom, Dick, and Harry to move in. No offence, Jefferson, Nixon and Truman. Carter: Maybe Mr. Bender can get a spot in the closet of presidential losers. :closet is filled with the heads of Bob Dole, Lyndon LaRouche, Walter Mondale and Ross Perot as well as some cleaning supplies. Dole: Bob Dole needs company. LaRouche won't stop with the "knock knock" jokes. Bender: Pass. Washington: So, telleth, Bender. What hath happened to your body? Bender: I hocked it. Washington: Hocked it? Why wouldst thou do that? Bender: Same reason you hocked your teeth. Washington: Ah. Booze money. Nixon: I remember my body; flabby, pastey-skinned, riddled with phlebitis. A good Republican body! God, I loved it. Fry: I hear that. I spent most of my teen years loving my body. Course, it was tough love but-- Ooh! :elbows him in the stomach. Leela: Fry, he opened up relations with China. He doesn't want to hear about your ding-dong. Bender: So, Nixon. Even if you miss your body, being a head's great too, right? Nixon: No, son. It's a sad and lonely life. Bender: Oh, great. Now you tell me! Nixon: That's my style. I like to kick 'em when they're down! :looks sad. :['''Scene': Robot Arms Apartments: Bender's Bedroom. Bender's head has a tiny bed and he is wearing a nightcap. He tosses and turns. He starts dreaming and 1's and 0's appear out of blackness.]'' Bender: sleep-talking Ones ... zeros ... one, one, zero, zero, one-- :numbers appear faster and faster and he wakes up screaming. Fry opens the door. Fry: Bender, what is it? Bender: Whoa, what an awful dream. Ones and zeros everywhere. And I thought I saw a two. Fry: It was just a dream, Bender. There's no such thing as two. Bender: I know what this is about. My body loved me, and I turned it's back on it. Well, old friend, tie a yellow ribbon round your neck, 'cause I'm a-comin' home! :['''Scene': Rook Takes Pawnshop. The next morning, Fry and Bender are back at the pawnshop. There is a metal detector, a TV, some suitcases and a guitar in the shop.]'' Bender: You sold my body? To who? Pawnbroker: I can't reveal that information, but you look like a nice robot. Tell you what, I'll give you 50 bucks for the kid. :starts counting out some cash. Fry: Hey, my clothes are worth 50 bucks! Pawnbroker: Deal. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. Fry is sat on the couch stark naked with Bender, Leela and Farnsworth.]'' Bender: crying Oh! How could I let this happen? I can't go through the rest of my life like this. Farnsworth: Don't you have a self-destruct button? Bender: crying Yeah, but it's on my body. What am I gonna do? Fry: Ah, I can't stand to see a robot cry. Let's watch TV! :turns it on. Richard Nixon's head is giving a press conference. Nixon: TV And so, ladies and gentlemen, I'm throwing my head into the ring. I'm announcing my candidacy for the presidency of Earth. :['''Cut to': Nixon's Press Conference. The reporters wave their hands in the air.]'' Journalist #1: Just one question. :man stands up. Scoop Chang: Scoop Chang, Beijing Bugle. Sir, the constitution clearly states that nobody can be elected president more than twice. Nixon: That's right. No''body''. steps out from behind his podium. But as you can plainly see, I've got a shiny new body! :starts dancing. His new body is Bender's old body, plus a new red tie. :['''Cut to': Planet Express: Lounge. Gasps aplenty.]'' Bender: Oh! Leela: Bender, he's got your body! Bender: That dirty, double-crossing bastard! How dare he run off with Richard Nixon! :Lapse. Fry has put on some new clothes. Leela: Nixon must have bought your body from the pawn shop. Fry: Yeah, and that electric guitar. :[Nixon plays Jefferson Airplane's ''White Rabbit.]'' Nixon: on TV Remember what the dormouse said, Feed your head. (talking) I'm meeting you half way, you stupid hippies! from the crowd. I am not a crook's head! Bender: Yeah, you are, you stole my body! Fry, Leela, you gotta help me! Leela: Ordinarily I'd say no and lecture you on how this is your own fault for being such an idiot. But when a robotic Nixon is on the loose, we have a duty to take action. Idiot. :['''Scene': Washington D.C. The Planet Express ship lands beside the Washington Monument and the much larger Clinton Monument.]'' :['''Scene': Presidential Debate. Jack Johnson, John Jackson and Nixon are at the debate, headed by Morbo.]'' Morbo: Morbo will now introduce tonight's candidates: Puny Human #1, Puny Human #2, and Morbo's good friend, Richard Nixon. Nixon: Hello, Morbo. How's the family? Morbo: Belligerent and numerous. Nixon: Good man. Nixon's pro-war and pro-family. :takes a baby out of his chest cabinet and kisses it. Bender: Great. First he steals my body, now he's touching my stuff. Leela: Come on. We've gotta find some way to talk to him. :sneak out. Morbo: Morbo demands an answer to the following question: If you saw delicious candy in the hands of a small child would you seize and consume it? Johnson: Unthinkable. Jackson: I wouldn't think of it. Morbo: What about you, Mr. Nixon? I remind you, you are under a truth-o-scope. :truth-o-scope hovers over Nixon's head and he starts to sweat. Nixon: Uh, well, I, uh ... the question is-is vague. You don't say what kind of candy, whether anyone is watching or, uh... clears his throat. At any rate, I certainly wouldn't harm the child. :truth-o-scope beeps. :['''Scene': Nixon's Dressing Room. He squirts cleaner on his jar and rubs it. His campaign manager is with him.]'' Nixon's campaign manager: You scored big points tonight, sir. Nixon: What are you talking about? They ate me alive out there. Nixon's campaign manager: Yes, but your body stayed on message. And that message is, "Look at my shiny new body". The robots ate it up. You've got real charisma from the neck down. Nixon: Nixon with charisma? My God, I can rule the universe! :Fry and Leela come out of a laundry hamper. Bender: Give me my body back, you two-bit thief! Nixon: Now, look here, you drugged-out Communist. I paid for this body and I'd no sooner return it than I would my little cocker spaniel dog, Checkers. dog's head in a jar barks. Shut up, damnit! Fry: Please, Mr. Nixon. We're appealing to your sense of decency. :laughs. Bender: That was a good one! Nixon: Seriously though, I'm never giving back this body. Now beat it! Before I get Cambodian on your asses! :['''Scene': Fxjkhr Monument. Fry, Leela and Bender sit on the 60th president's monument. He was a huge monster, and his statue shows him devouring a person. There are skulls around his feet.]'' Bender: crying It's hopeless. We might as well turn in my head for the five cent deposit. Fry: No way! I'm not letting my best friend get recycled. Not for five cents, not for five hundred cents! Leela, I've got a plan! Leela: I've got a better plan. :['''Scene': Outside Watergate Hotel. Fry and Leela, dressed in black, creep around the side of the building. The two carry a bag between them with Bender's head inside. A searchlight moves past them and they freeze.]'' Fry: whispering Why would Nixon stay at the Watergate? Leela: whispering They give you a discount if you've been here before. :shoots a grappling hook onto the roof. The hook scurries across the roof, wraps itself around a pipe and gives the rope a tug. :Lapse. Leela hauls herself up the side of the building. Fry: Keep going, we're right behind you. :just holding onto her and letting her do all the climbing. Bender looks through a window. Bender: Whoa, mama! Get a room, you two! Man: inside We're in a room! Bender: Well then lose some weight. :pulls Fry onto a ledge and they pull back some curtains. Nixon is asleep in front of a TV. Nixon: sleep-talking Aroo! :['''Cut to': Nixon's Hotel Room. Fry and Leela climb in.]'' Nixon: sleep-talking Oh, yeah. You women's libbers really know how to party! Bender: whispering Psst! There I am! :starts unscrewing Nixon's jar from Bender's body. Nixon: sleep-talking Hey, Betty Friedan, send a little of that lotion my way! Leela: OK, almost got it. Steady. Steady. Don't panic. :is lying on a bed, not listening. He looks at a box beside the bed marked "Magic Tentacles". Fry: Ooh! some more writing says "Thought Activated". Uh-oh! :bed starts to shake and the tentacles throw Fry around. Nixon wakes up and gasps. Nixon: What the-- smiles weakly at Leela. You shaggy peaceniks have some nerve! Bender: I'm just here for what's mine. Don't make me kick your neck. Nixon: Bring it on, soup can. :growl and start very slowly edging their way towards each other. Leela: Alright, break it up, you two! :puts them on the couch. Nixon: That's it. You're all going to jail. And don't expect me to grant a pardon like that sissy, Ford. Leela: You'll never pardon anybody because you'll never get elected president. The voters of Earth aren't the pea-brained idiots they were back in your time. Nixon: Oh, no? Well, listen here, missy. Computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973 but your average voter is as drunk and stupid as ever. The only one who's changed is me. I've become bitter and, let's face it, crazy over the years. And once I'm swept into office, I'll sell our children's organs to zoos for meat and I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place. :cackles. Fry: Well, he lost my vote. Nixon: Like one vote ever made a difference. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to inch myself over to the phone and call the police. :starts hopping his way over. Bender: Not so fast, Nixon! Are you familiar with audio tape? :rewinds a tape in his head. Nixon: Uh-oh. I don't like where this is heading. Nixon: tape And I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place! :cackles. Nixon: My God? I really sound like that? I thought my voice had more of a Clark Gable quality. :takes the tape out of Bender's mouth. Leela: The jig's up, Nixon. We'll trade you the tape for the body. Nixon: Oh, expletive deleted. You've got a deal. Fry: Hey, I've got one last thought. :magic tentacles grab him and start throwing him around again. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Leela and Farnsworth are sat on the couch holding Earth flags. Enter Bender.]'' Bender: Ah, it's good to be back in one piece again. Except I can't get these damn bumper stickers off. :turns around and shows them his "Nixon's Head's The One" and "Impeach This!" bumper stickers. Linda: TV The sheer drama of this election has driven voter turnout to its highest level in centuries. 6% Morbo: TV Exit polls show evil underdog Richard Nixon trailing with an estimated zero votes. Leela: Yes! The system works! Linda: TV The time is 7:59 and the robot polls are now opening ... and the robot vote is in. Nixon has won! Leela: No! Fry: What? Bender: Get out of town! Fry: Why would robots vote for Nixon now that he's just a head in a jar? :['''Cut to': Nixon's Campaign Headquarters.]'' Nixon's campaign manager: I give you the next president of Earth! :comes through the flag with his head atop a massive robot body. He steps on his campaign manager and crushes her. Nixon: shouting Nixon's back! :robot supporters cheer. :['''Cut to': Planet Express: Lounge.]'' Farnsworth: I can't believe it. He won by a single vote. Bender: Well it ain't my fault. I'm a non-voting felon, thank you. Fry: Well it's not my fault either 'cause I forgot to vote. Leela: Oh, crud. I knew there was something I meant to do today. Morbo: TV Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death come quickly to his enemies. :chuckles. :['''Scene': Washington D.C. Street. People run away as Nixon uproots trees and crushes cars to Hail to the Chief.]'' Nixon: Aroo! Who's kicking who around now? rips away the fence outside the White House. Aroo! Aroo! :['''Cut to': Outside White House.]'' Nixon: Knock, knock! :pounds down the wall with his fists, walks in and laughs. :Credits. Category:Season Two Scripts Category:Episode Transcripts Category:Transcripts